4 Questions with Vickie Tiede author of When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography

Vicki, this book is set up like a Bible Study, what was it that led you to set it into sections of time?

At one time or another, most of us walk a soggy painful path. In When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, though I don’t use this analogy, I lead women down the healing path of Emmaus. Many people might not know that Emmaus means "warm springs," and warm springs have long been heralded as a place of healing. I set the book up to create an opportunity for guided discovery, much like the two men on the road to Emmaus experienced.

• I ask her to slow down and fix her thoughts on Him. He will catch up to her in the pages of the book that are saturated with His Word. (I assure her that He walks with her whether she acknowledges Him or not.)
• I ask her to listen to what He’s telling her through His Word and in her stillness– even the gentle rebukes .
• I remind her that when the destination seems to be near, she’s going to want more time with him, so she should invite Him to stay. (He’d never refuse an invitation from His daughter.)
• Finally, when He reveals Himself to her anew, I encourage her to bask in His presence and acknowledge His care for her.

My hope is, that by breaking the book into day/week sections rather than chapters, it will encourage the reader to slow down and really consider what Christ (the Wonderful Counselor) is saying to her. Taking time to apply the questions to her personal life, and writing out the work that is being done in her onto the pages of the book will substantially enhance the healing process.

Are the first person testimonies that are interspersed throughout the chapters 'like real' or 'real'? Do they come from the your focus group discussions with those 25 women mentioned in your introduction?

Every single vignette at the beginning of each chapter is the true story of a woman who has walked this path. They are the direct words of the 25 women who completed extensive surveys as well as interviews. Some of the details of my own story are sprinkled amongst the testimonies as well. It was never my intention to draw unnecessary attention to my story or the story of any one woman, therefore all names have been changed. I want my readers to know that they are not alone and that their feelings have been shared by many other women who have come out on the other side of this pain. The reader and the restorative work that God can and will do in her heart is the focus of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography.

What advice can you give to pastors who might want to use this book as a resource? How would you recommend using this with women in their church?

Thank you for asking this question, John. So many pastors are well intentioned, but truly do not know how to help women in this situation. First, reading my book himself will certainly expand his understanding of the issue and its implications for the wife of a husband addicted to pornography. I would encourage pastors to have a few copies of the book on hand, so that when she comes in, after counseling and praying with her, he can give her the book to begin working through. There are many options after that.

• If you have a number of women in your church who you are aware would benefit from this book, then perhaps someone could lead a small group.
• The pastor or someone else in the church who does pastoral counseling could meet with her periodically to hear how she is processing through the book.
• I also encourage pastors to be aware of support groups that may already be in existence in their area. It's not news that women are highly relational and having a support group can be a tremendous blessing to them.
• When a woman's heart is healed, regardless of her husband's daily choices, she will be in a better position to help promote a healing environment for her husband as well.

I want to mention that I've written an article about this for pastors, which is available here on my website. It helps pastors know what to say (and what not to say) when a woman comes to see him and her husband is addicted to pornography.

Vicki, if I'm not mistaken, it seems as though "Week 4: Identity" is the crux of the issue for women who are hurt by porn. Am I reading this right, and if so, why do you think identity is so crucial for women to come to terms with?

In weeks 1-3, my hope is that a woman will rediscover hope after learning of her husband's addiction. She'll name her losses and address and eventually surrender unproductive feelings, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs, including ownership of her husband's daily choice about whether or not to fight this addiction. She'll also spend a week processing through trust, which is one of the single greatest losses for the wife of a pornography addict. Then we get to identity. I do think identity is a particular point of difficulty. Speaking from personal experience, when we were at the pinnacle of our crisis, I was a shell of my former self. I didn't know what I believed about God, my husband, or myself anymore. I allowed my identity to be defined by my relationship with my husband rather than by who God says I am.

When you are married to someone whom you love with all your being and you want to support and believe him, but he lies to you on a consistent basis, it's easy to begin questioning everything you think, say, or do. That quickly morphs into questioning who you are. Women want to know they are competent, chosen, valuable, and lovable in their husband's eyes. Her husband's choice of porn over her communicates just the opposite. It tells her she is inadequate, rejected, undesirable, and unloved. Ironically, if a woman asks her husband if these things are true, he will usually tell her they are not and that his pornography issue has "nothing to do with her." Though I think he means it, actions speak louder than words. It is vital that every daughter of the Lord know that He (God) deems her irreplaceable and that she learn to only let His opinion shape her identity.

When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vicki Tiede

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Vicki Tiede's book entitled "When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart" is a warm, gentle companion for those who are suffering from the carnage of pornography. Vicki's use of Scripture passages are well selected, and sensitive. Happily, none of the verses used are cliche and they cover the fullness of the canon (my one regret about this book is the absence of a Scripture index). Her compassion seeps through these pages, even when she offers correction and/or encouragement.



She warns readers in the introduction that this book is not a book to 'fix' one's husband, and neither is it for those who are at the extreme end of sexual perversion-which has led to violence and/or extra-marrital affairs. Although, this book will be beneficial for the extremes, she recommends other resources and pastoral counselling to address these issues.

I picked this book up because I wanted to get a better understanding of how women cope under the weight of betrayal. With fear and trembling, I acknowledge that by God's grace alone, I'm in the other fifty percent of men who do not have a porn addiction (on page 102, Vicki cites a breathtaking statistic that about 20% of Christian women and 50% of Christian men have a pornography addiction). Knowing that porn is a nightmare for a lot of people, I hoped to understand the crisis better. The realism of sin is first-hand for the author, as well as the hope and healing she has experienced through her Redeemer.

The book is divided up into sections of time, which for some people, will be very helpful. If read daily, a person could work through the Bible study that is interspersed in 6 weeks. In the first three weeks, Vicki re-establishes hope in God, surrender to God and learning to trust the One who can heal. The forth week is the heart of the book as it helps you recognize your true identity. In the last two sections, she helps the reader understand the value of brokenness in the plan of God, and then how forgiveness works itself out.

We all need hope, and the first person sections of the book, are intended to let you know that others have walked your road before, and have recovered. Here are a few excerpts:

I believe God is able to meet my greatest needs as I deal with my husband’s addiction to pornography, and that he is in the process of doing that even now, but I’m not sure exactly what that looks like . . . sounds like . . . feels like. Most of the time I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. There are occasions when I feel a glimmer of hope that “better” is possible, but it’s rare. —Amy

Until my husband and I attempted to refinance our home, I had no idea about several credit cards he had opened, with charges in the tens of thousands. For years, those bills had been going to a post office box, which was also news to me. My husband worked a lot and traveled often, and I knew something was wrong in our relationship, but I never dreamed he might be addicted to pornography or that his addiction had grown to include paying for sex with prostitutes.  Despite all of this, I know that God is for me. He is all powerful and able to meet my needs, often before I even know what they are. God can do anything— even repair this marriage. —Hannah

In the course of pornographic destruction on a marriage, most women will tend to loose their sense of identity. This is the highlight of this book, as Tiede helps women recognize that they get their true identity in the eyes of God alone. Most women want to be pursed and chosen, and if they are believers, Vickie shows them that they have been.

Vicki's viewpoint on forgiveness might be different than what some have been taught through the years. Tiede is careful to differentiate an attitude of forgiveness and the act of forgiveness. The act of forgiveness, according to Vickie, should only be granted to those who are repentant as Christ forgives the repentant. Yet, the attitude of forgiveness should always be on hand to extend to those who are genuinely repentant. There is safety in this position.

I highly recommend this book for all women who have felt the destructive power of pornography. If you purchase this book, take time to talk with a trusted Christian friend for support and prayer. You not only need the help offered in these pages, you also need fellow believers to be instruments in the redeemer's hands.



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Review of Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson's book called Give Them Grace is encouraging for parents at all stages. The continual reminder of God's grace pushes the reader to lean harder on God in parenting, as they patiently address the needs of little pagans who are in need of God's grace.

This is probably the first parenting book that I have read that consistently applies the gospel story to parenting. While it does not negate the need for instruction, discipline, and correction, it happily affirms that these alone will not convert a child's heart. Parents know this instinctively, yet we often falter in the moment and forget to extend grace to our children.

The strength of this book is not in the how to--although, it does contain very helpful examples of in the moment grace-parenting--it's strength is in the affirmation that it is through grace alone that God redeems both prodigals and pharisees. "The only power strong enough to transform the selfishly rebellious and the selfishly self-righteous heart is grace" (p. 68). Throughout the book there is a continual reminder that if we as parents consistently throw ourselves on God's mercy, we will help our children place their hope in him too. We cannot teach our children grace, if we don't think that we need it as much as they do.

The book does recommend alternative parenting techniques for varying situations--therefore, there is realism implicit within these pages as well. I really appreciate that an older and younger mother conspired together to write this book, so that generational wisdom is available to us. As a dad reading this book, I was blessed and encouraged. I recommend that you pick it up for yourself, or even an unbelieving friend. The gospel is woven throughout, and may encourage someone to consider the practical implications of an alternative worldview, and discover God's grace.




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Taking Possession of our Inheritance

Edited by Steve Fountain from a sermon preached on September 30, 2012.

Last week we were flying at about 30,000 feet over Joshua 13-19 and got a good sense of our  imperishable, undefiled and unfading inheritance — God Himself.

When we come down from the clouds and the wheels of the plane screech against the tarmac, do God's promises appear wild because of disbelief; or do they become real, vivid and priceless?  

Joshua had been the fearless leader for Israel, and now it's up to the 12 tribes to divide and conquer — but this was soon to change.  The Israelites had been given a promise in Joshua 13:6 that God would drive out the enemy before them.  They had been instructed to go, divide the land, and in the strength of God possess their inheritance. 

Yet, they simply did not take hold of the promises of God. 

I would like to compare two contrasting attitudes: Joseph's reluctance and Judah's boldness. 

There is a lesson here for all of us in trusting in God and gaining your inheritance instead of seeking what appears to be the easiest path to satisfy your own desires.     

Because the tribe of Joseph didn't follow God's instruction to drive out the Canaanites, they could not expand to the north and west. And forests hindered expansion elsewhere.  In Joshua 17:14, the people of Joseph actually ask God for more land! Their inability to conquer the land stems from their ingratitude, and they falter on the promises of God. Because of their ingratitude, they actually challenge the outcome of the lot, which was controlled by God — and so were actually challenging God by suggesting that perhaps God was not good to them.

To be content with what God has given is a sure statement that you believe God’s promises to give you everything you need.

Listen to the wisdom of Joshua in verse 15 as he deconstructs their conceit.  Joshua says, instead of looking at the problems, consider your opportunities — clear the trees so you can have pasture and farm land. But instead they come up with another excuse in verse 16, suggesting that the Canaanite's iron chariots are way too much for them.

The people of God did not go on to do what God told them to do for two reasons.  First, they wanted peace at any cost and they also wanted wealth.  They picked getting money (tribute) from the Canaanites to let them stay in the land instead of driving them out. Through the time of the judges and beyond, the Israelites slowly lost ground because they had not possessed their possessions on the basis of God’s promise.

While Joseph demonstrates reluctance, Judah demonstrates a bold faith that lays hold of the promises of God.  This bold faith is highlighted in one family — the family of Caleb.  Caleb is singled out as an object lesson of someone who, because of gratitude and persistence, took possession of his inheritance because he held onto the promises of God. 

You may remember that Caleb and Joshua were among the12 spies under Moses, who,  years earlier had been the only two who believed God’s promises.  (Numbers 13:30)  When the campaigns had broken the heart of the land, Caleb (now 85) came to Joshua and said, “Now by faith I’m going to do what I said all along could be done.”  What a man!  Here he was, out of step among a people who, for the sake of peace and wealth, were not continuing the warfare.  

Caleb followed the Lord and actually went up and claimed his land — he fought for it and won it and proved what he had believed for many long years.   

Yet you might be tempted to think.  I could never be like that?  And actually, you would be right — you cannot.  In fact, we can only attack mountains, or move mountains by faith that God’s power, his grace are what gets the job done.  Like Israel, we are called upon to possess our inheritance, too. 

This is where the rubber meets the road — either we crash and burn, or we live for Christ. Either we have faith or not.  We can talk of all the great things we have to look forward to in heaven, but if we do not live as though we have heaven now in our hearts, then the promises of God are nothing.  If the promises of God are wild and sound distant, then we need to stop and take stock.  We must ask for forgiveness and begin to believe God and begin boldly living by faith.