Petraeus and Healthy Jealousy

Adultery. 

The word has a nasty feel, doesn’t it? It is nasty, because it is a violation of the highest trust.  The intimacy, the shared thoughts, dreams, passions, and physical joy are shattered through a deception of the most dispicable kind. 

It is sad when the mighty fall; unfortunately, the distance from top to bottom is shorter than what most would think and even worse, the impact at the bottom is much more than one would hope. 

I took some time this week to catch up on the Petraeus scandal.  As I listened to a brief interview with a close friend of Petraeus, he shared the ‘slow fade’ that occurred in the heart of Petraeus.  The transition from military to civilian, was a difficult move for Petraeus, and as he was struggling with the transition, the emptiness of loss of the brotherhood was great for him, and he found that his biographer Paula Broadwell was all to happy to go running with him and listen empathetically.  These things don't happen overnight.  If both Petraeus and his wife had a bit of healthy marital jealousy for one another through the years, it may have done their marriage a world of good. 

You might be surprised by this, because most people think of jealousy as exclusively negative —and it is—with a couple of exceptions.  There are two relationships in which jealousy is both healthy and honorable.  Both of these are covenant relationships.  The first relationship is a smaller version of the second.  The second is our covenant relationship with a spouse, and our first is our covenant relationship with God. 

In James 4:1-10, the apostle uses the relationship with our spouses as the paradigm for which we understand our covenant relationship with our heavenly father.  

Of these ten verses, verses 4-5 are the wheel within the wheel.  

4 You adulterous people!  Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

Typically the Greek word for jealousy in verse 5 is used exclusively as a negative.  So for James to use it in the context of God’s emotions is shocking.  Commentators are divided as to the reason for this, but I am inclined to believe that James does so for emphasis and effect.  

God created us, so therefore, he owns us.  For those who have a special bond of grace in their hearts, that is, they have the Holy Spirit indwelling them, there is a union of body, soul and spirit with God, which is best pictured by marriage.  It grieves God's heart to see his creation move away from him for idols, which are worthless, just as it is for spouses to observe a wandering eye, or a flirtatious remark.

Paul uses the marriage image frequently.  In 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 Paul writes these words:

¹² “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. ¹³ “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴ And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. ¹⁵ Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶ Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” ¹⁷ But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. ¹⁸ Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. ¹⁹ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, ²⁰ for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

As you read these verses, did you notice that what makes sexual immorality so egregious is that we are bought with a price.  At our church, we remind ourselves of this bond liturgically after communion with these words: We are not our own, we are bought with a price, I will glorify God in my body and my spirit which are the Lords. 

Have you ever watched a movie, the well-filmed ones that draw out of us the feelings of jealousy, anger, and resentment as the main character, who to that point, had been honourable, lowers his standard and begins to flirt with someone other than his or her spouse.

Like a well written movie, you can nearly hear a tone of jealousy in Paul’s voice, as he narrates the passion of the Lord as unfaithfulness occurs.  But you must recognize that Paul is not just talking about sexual immorality, verses 12-14 above suggest that even a good thing can become a controlling thing—what we would call an idol.

As I said, there is a healthy form of jealousy, which can protect your marriage from insufferable harm.  But you have to be a good listener—you have to listen carefully to your spouse, and be able to recognize areas in which they are not finding stability and security from you--it often comes out in conflict.  

When time is at a premium, and your spouse feels as though they are missing that time with you, your ears need to wake up and respond to the early indicators of ‘jealousy.’  When you are married, you are no longer your own person, someone else owns you—and they have conjugal rights to time, love, communication, and intimacy.

Did Petraeus or his wife hear those early sounds of jealousy?  It is so common not to hear them, yet those early indicators were intended to let you know that your passions are starting to misalign.  You might not realize this, but this kind of jealousy is a gift of God for you and your marriage.  You should not be surprised that these same feelings of jealousy are exactly the same that God has for you—after all, we are made in the image of God—we have a mirrored personality that comes from our Creator.  Do we hear those early sounds of jealousy?

James asks, What causes wars and conflict among people?  We have conflict in our lives in direct proportion to our misaligned passions.  They are not completely for our heavenly husband—we are more willing to let our thoughts sleep with the idols of our imagination rather than be faithfully returning love to the one who bought us, and redeemed us for his glory and our joy.   In the words of a popular Christian song,

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

The journey from your mind to your hands

Is shorter than you're thinking

Be careful if you think you stand

You just might be sinking

Perhaps you’ve never thought of worldliness and interpersonal conflict in quite this way before, yet in this journey of life, the journey from the mind to the hands is shorter than you think.  The road from joy to grief is shorter than you think, and depending on the damage, your heart will take longer to repair, if it were not for the grace of God (James 4:6-10).

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?  Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"

The Common Rope

Edited by Steve Fountain. From a sermon on November 11, 2012

The last few verses of Joshua 21 prepared us for the commencement of life after war.  Because of the faithfulness of God to keep his promises — including the land He promised to their fathers — it is Israel’s natural response to gratefully be faithful to God in return.

Chapter 22 starts with the Reubenites, Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh heading home to their inheritance. Back in Numbers 32, prior to the crossing of the Jordan, these 2 ½  tribes asked Moses for land on the other side of the River. Moses said, “The west side still has to be taken.  Are you going to stay here in peace while your brothers who fought for you have to go on in war?”  

Those fighting men responded, “We’ll go with the rest and fight as long as the war is on.”  And Moses said, “Good.  Then all is well.”

Seven years have past since these men went to fight. They have been separated from their wives, their families, their inheritance. With the campaigns were over and the land divided, it was time to go home.

Joshua sends them off with words of wisdom and warning:“Only be very careful to observe the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways and to keep his commandments and to cling to him and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul.” (22:5)

As we reach verse 10, the 2 ½  tribes build an altar by the Jordan. The well-intentioned act instead spurs the western tribes to worry about a rebellion against the unifying altar in Shiloh. 

By verse 12, “... the whole congregation of the children of Israel gathered together at Shiloh to go to war against them.”

Did you catch the last few words of verse 12? They were prepared to go to war with their friends over this issue. Why? 

There is only one explanation. Although they loved their brothers to the east and were certainly tired of fighting, they nevertheless loved the honor of God more and were determined to let nothing intrude on that honor of God more.

In the verses that follow, there is a conversation between brethren that results in a happy ending.  I say a conversation, because it was a delegation of 10 men from the west who were sent to talk with the leaders of the east side.  In verses 13-20, the men from the west go and inquire what is going on.  In verses 21-29, the tribes on the east side respond.  In verses 30-34, war is avoided and faithfulness to God is preserved.  How was this possible? 

I believe that the flow of their conversation demonstrates that because they loved God so supremely, it moved them to ensure that the holiness of God would not be compromised and in a way that ensured a lasting relationship.  The love they had for God was such that it caused them to love their neighbor, too.  

It is important to recognize that there is humility on both sides of this conversation.  In presenting to the Eastern tribes the way they saw the situation, the Western tribes allowed a gentle explanation.  

The courage to go and find out the truth was done with a courageous love and was met with a courageous humility.  

Sadly, we don’t even take the necessary steps find out answers for ourselves.  We stew on things until the water boils dry.  Or we talk to people we think will be sympathetic to our cause or viewpoint, or share a ‘prayer request’ with them.  If we would take the bold steps of love shown to us in these verses then we have less messes.

Make no mistake! For unity to be that good, that sweet, we must guard the glory of God.  

We cannot have a false unity around error, we must be like the West, and ensure that our brothers are remaining faithful to God, when we go, we must do so with a spirit of love, or all will be lost.  We must grip the common rope of God’s faithfulness and be faithful.

A Modesty Survey, Crazy eh?

TheRebelution.com has launched the results of their massive Modesty Survey! Over 1,600 Christian guys have answered questions on everything from glitter lotion and lip gloss to swimsuits and skirt slits! It's everything girls have ever wanted to ask guys about modesty, but were afraid to ask! For guys, it's really interesting to see what other Christian guys think!

Most importantly, the survey is presented as a resource to help Christian girls (and guys), not a list of legalistic rules, and it is accompanied by the Modesty Survey Petition (which tons of guys have signed) which encourage young women to focus on the heart, not the hemline, to honor their parents, etc.

The results were released on St. Valentine's Day as a gift from 1,600 Christian guys to all Christian girls -- and I can't think of a better one! Now the survey is being endorsed by people like Shaunti Feldhahn ("For Women Only") Nancy Leigh DeMoss (Revive Our Hearts), CJ Mahaney (Sovereign Grace Ministries) and Shannon Ethridge ("Every Woman's Battle")!

Click on the banner above to see the survey results, etc.

Book Giveaway Winners

Congratulations to Andrew Arden and Jonathan Davis.  Since I've not heard from Jonathan, I've passed on to Matthew Kratz  

They will receive 1 free copy in the mail of Heart of the Matter directly from New Growth Press.  Hope that this book will be a blessing to you over the coming year.  God Bless.

Book Giveaway: Heart of the Matter

Comment below and tell us "why you'd be blessed" by receiving 1 of 2 copies of Heart of the Matter.  And you will be entered into a Random Drawing administered by random.org.  Comments close at 12:00 midnight.  Winners will be notified on Monday, Nov. 12, 2012.  

I blame my first experience with Christian Counselling and Education Foundation (CCEF) on my Senior Pastor who introduced me to the group in the fall of 2009.  I attended my first national conference in King of Prussia, PA with him and his wife.  At the time, I was a bit skeptical because the conference was being advertised as Sex Matters.  Thankfully, at the conference I was exposed not to racy content but to the glorious good news of Jesus Christ as the necessary agent that redeems and transforms the lives of people who have been the victims of a culture stuck in the red light district.  

The national conference was a starting point of what might be a lifelong relationship of trust.  I appreciate the solid, biblical content of the writers and speakers who are involved with CCEF.  

"With this book you have the opportunity to Start a Year of Thoughtful Change.  Change that goes deeper than the surface of our lives happens over the long haul as we dailyremember and connect the truths of the gospel to our lives. Every day we need to be re-minded—in different ways—that Jesus, God’s own Son, came to this world to save us from sin,sorrow, and death. The promises of God, which are all “yes” in Jesus, change the way we viewourselves, our circumstances, and other people." 

Heart of the Matter gives a daily reminder of theselife-changing truths. Topics covered in the devotional include: love, hope, grace, redemption, faith, contentment, conflict, relationships, prayer, fear, patience, humility, and anger.  I highly recommend this book for all who desire to learn wisdom, to learn how to talk to one's heart with Scripture, and to respond properly to the trials of life.  The 366 selections, anchored in Scripture and saturated with the gospel,will help you to:

• Learn how God in his Word addresses a host of life situations
  
• Focus on how the gospel intersects with life
  
• Look beyond circumstances to God’s purposes
  
• See how God values relationship with his children
  
• Learn to value others by speaking truth in love, by not shying away from conflict, by for-giving, and by being patient and persistent
  
• Grow in wisdom when confronted by life’s changes
  
• Learn how God works change that is effective and visible

Contributing authors include David Powilson, Paul David Tripp, Tim Lane, and others.

A Psalm about Relationships

A sample of the powerful daily devotional thoughts available in this book...A full Review of the book will be available on Friday, November 9, 2012.  Free Book Giveaway on Friday

Psalm 146

Why doesn’t God just make your relationships better overnight? We often think that if God really cared for us, he would make our relationships easier. In reality, a difficult relationship is a mark of his love and care.

We would prefer that God would just change the relationship, but he won’t be content until the relationship changes us too. This is how God created relationships to function.

What happens in the messiness of relationships is that our hearts are revealed, our weaknesses are exposed, and we start coming to the end of ourselves. Only when this happens do we reach out for the help God alone can provide. Weak and needy people finding their hope in Christ’s grace are what mark a mature relationship.

The most dangerous aspect of your relationships is not your weakness, but your delusions of strength. Self-reliance is almost always a component of a bad relationship.

While we would like to avoid the mess and enjoy deep and intimate community, God says that it is in the very process of working through the mess that intimacy is found.

On January 16 Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp writes in Heart of the Matter (p 16).  

A Psalm for Stress

A sample of the powerful daily devotional thoughts available in this book...A full Review of the book will be available on Friday, November 9, 2012.  Free Book Giveaway on Friday

 

Psalm 28

If the Lord is near, if he is someone who knows what’s on your heart, who knows what weighs heavily on you and preoccupies you, then he is a hearer of his beloved children.

Many psalms start out by pleading with God—Lord, listen to me, bend your ear, you must hear me, I need you to listen and act on my behalf . These are not calm psalms; they are intense and pointed. In Psalm 28, David tells God that if God doesn’t hear him, he will die. This is faith talking, and David talks this way because God is listening. God’s listening does not guarantee that what is making you anxious will go away— that your financial problems will be solved, that you will be cured of cancer, or that whatever else is worrying you will disappear. You may not be healed, people you love may die, and you may struggle with financial stress. But God comforts, strengthens, and gives hope in the midst of the most difficult circumstances. Jesus did not want to drink the cup of God’s wrath. But God strengthened him, and he was fully willing. There’s help from him for whatever worries you. So when you are anxious pour your heart out to God. He is listening.

On June 14 David Powlison writes in Heart of the Matter (p 166).

Resting Contently

A sample of the powerful daily devotional thoughts available in this book...A full Review of the book will be available on Friday, November 9, 2012.  Free Book Giveaway on Friday

Philippians 4:4–13

God wants you to be content. True contentment is usually learned on the down cycle—in loss, deprivation, and financial need. As your own dreams of financial security are shaken by your circumstances, you have the opportunity to turn from trusting and hoping in material things to trusting and hoping in God. This might not seem so great right now, but think about it: if your contentment is based on what you have or own, it can be easily lost. But contentment based on your relationship with God is on the unshakeable ground of God’s unfailing love.

In Philippians 4:11–13 Paul is saying that true contentment (or lack of it) doesn’t come from our circumstances; true contentment comes from “him who gives me strength.” Because he trusted Jesus, he was at peace in all kinds of material circumstances. He knew that even in times of financial stress he was not missing out on anything essential to life. His identity, hope, and wellbeing did not come from what he owned or what goal he achieved. Rather, it rested on his relationship with his heavenly Father, who loved him and gave his Son for him.

On May 26 Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp writes in Heart of the Matter (p 147).  

Dealing with Anxiety

A sample of the powerful daily devotional thoughts available in this book...A full Review of the book will be available on Friday, November 9, 2012.   Free Book Giveaway on Friday 

Jeremiah 31:31–34

Is the evidence of having forgiven someone forgetting what he has done to you? Jeremiah 31:34 is often quoted, where God says, “I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

There are at least two problems with this understanding of forgiveness. First, it is not realistic. Trying to forget a sin someone has committed against you will only encourage you to remember it. Completely erasing an offense from your memory is not realistic. Second, it is not biblical. Our omniscient God does not forget anything! The word “remember” in Jeremiah 31:34 is not a memory word, but a promise word, a covenant word. God is promising that when we confess our sins, “I will not treat you as your sins deserve. Instead, I will forgive you.” Forgiveness is a past promise you keep in the future. It is very important to understand these two dimensions of forgiveness. If you don’t, you will veer off in one of two equally wrong directions: (1) You will be plagued with doubts about whether you have forgiven someone because you think that forgiving equals forgetting.

Or (2) you will give in to bitterness because you think that, since you have forgiven someone in the past, you are allowed to hold onto the vestiges of hurt in the present. Neither reflects the way God has forgiven us.

On June 23 David Powlison writes in Heart of the Matter (p 175).