Petraeus and Healthy Jealousy

Adultery. 

The word has a nasty feel, doesn’t it? It is nasty, because it is a violation of the highest trust.  The intimacy, the shared thoughts, dreams, passions, and physical joy are shattered through a deception of the most dispicable kind. 

It is sad when the mighty fall; unfortunately, the distance from top to bottom is shorter than what most would think and even worse, the impact at the bottom is much more than one would hope. 

I took some time this week to catch up on the Petraeus scandal.  As I listened to a brief interview with a close friend of Petraeus, he shared the ‘slow fade’ that occurred in the heart of Petraeus.  The transition from military to civilian, was a difficult move for Petraeus, and as he was struggling with the transition, the emptiness of loss of the brotherhood was great for him, and he found that his biographer Paula Broadwell was all to happy to go running with him and listen empathetically.  These things don't happen overnight.  If both Petraeus and his wife had a bit of healthy marital jealousy for one another through the years, it may have done their marriage a world of good. 

You might be surprised by this, because most people think of jealousy as exclusively negative —and it is—with a couple of exceptions.  There are two relationships in which jealousy is both healthy and honorable.  Both of these are covenant relationships.  The first relationship is a smaller version of the second.  The second is our covenant relationship with a spouse, and our first is our covenant relationship with God. 

In James 4:1-10, the apostle uses the relationship with our spouses as the paradigm for which we understand our covenant relationship with our heavenly father.  

Of these ten verses, verses 4-5 are the wheel within the wheel.  

4 You adulterous people!  Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”?

Typically the Greek word for jealousy in verse 5 is used exclusively as a negative.  So for James to use it in the context of God’s emotions is shocking.  Commentators are divided as to the reason for this, but I am inclined to believe that James does so for emphasis and effect.  

God created us, so therefore, he owns us.  For those who have a special bond of grace in their hearts, that is, they have the Holy Spirit indwelling them, there is a union of body, soul and spirit with God, which is best pictured by marriage.  It grieves God's heart to see his creation move away from him for idols, which are worthless, just as it is for spouses to observe a wandering eye, or a flirtatious remark.

Paul uses the marriage image frequently.  In 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 Paul writes these words:

¹² “All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. ¹³ “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴ And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. ¹⁵ Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶ Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.” ¹⁷ But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. ¹⁸ Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. ¹⁹ Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, ²⁰ for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

As you read these verses, did you notice that what makes sexual immorality so egregious is that we are bought with a price.  At our church, we remind ourselves of this bond liturgically after communion with these words: We are not our own, we are bought with a price, I will glorify God in my body and my spirit which are the Lords. 

Have you ever watched a movie, the well-filmed ones that draw out of us the feelings of jealousy, anger, and resentment as the main character, who to that point, had been honourable, lowers his standard and begins to flirt with someone other than his or her spouse.

Like a well written movie, you can nearly hear a tone of jealousy in Paul’s voice, as he narrates the passion of the Lord as unfaithfulness occurs.  But you must recognize that Paul is not just talking about sexual immorality, verses 12-14 above suggest that even a good thing can become a controlling thing—what we would call an idol.

As I said, there is a healthy form of jealousy, which can protect your marriage from insufferable harm.  But you have to be a good listener—you have to listen carefully to your spouse, and be able to recognize areas in which they are not finding stability and security from you--it often comes out in conflict.  

When time is at a premium, and your spouse feels as though they are missing that time with you, your ears need to wake up and respond to the early indicators of ‘jealousy.’  When you are married, you are no longer your own person, someone else owns you—and they have conjugal rights to time, love, communication, and intimacy.

Did Petraeus or his wife hear those early sounds of jealousy?  It is so common not to hear them, yet those early indicators were intended to let you know that your passions are starting to misalign.  You might not realize this, but this kind of jealousy is a gift of God for you and your marriage.  You should not be surprised that these same feelings of jealousy are exactly the same that God has for you—after all, we are made in the image of God—we have a mirrored personality that comes from our Creator.  Do we hear those early sounds of jealousy?

James asks, What causes wars and conflict among people?  We have conflict in our lives in direct proportion to our misaligned passions.  They are not completely for our heavenly husband—we are more willing to let our thoughts sleep with the idols of our imagination rather than be faithfully returning love to the one who bought us, and redeemed us for his glory and our joy.   In the words of a popular Christian song,

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray

Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

The journey from your mind to your hands

Is shorter than you're thinking

Be careful if you think you stand

You just might be sinking

Perhaps you’ve never thought of worldliness and interpersonal conflict in quite this way before, yet in this journey of life, the journey from the mind to the hands is shorter than you think.  The road from joy to grief is shorter than you think, and depending on the damage, your heart will take longer to repair, if it were not for the grace of God (James 4:6-10).

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you?  Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"