4 Questions with Vickie Tiede author of When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography

Vicki, this book is set up like a Bible Study, what was it that led you to set it into sections of time?

At one time or another, most of us walk a soggy painful path. In When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, though I don’t use this analogy, I lead women down the healing path of Emmaus. Many people might not know that Emmaus means "warm springs," and warm springs have long been heralded as a place of healing. I set the book up to create an opportunity for guided discovery, much like the two men on the road to Emmaus experienced.

• I ask her to slow down and fix her thoughts on Him. He will catch up to her in the pages of the book that are saturated with His Word. (I assure her that He walks with her whether she acknowledges Him or not.)
• I ask her to listen to what He’s telling her through His Word and in her stillness– even the gentle rebukes .
• I remind her that when the destination seems to be near, she’s going to want more time with him, so she should invite Him to stay. (He’d never refuse an invitation from His daughter.)
• Finally, when He reveals Himself to her anew, I encourage her to bask in His presence and acknowledge His care for her.

My hope is, that by breaking the book into day/week sections rather than chapters, it will encourage the reader to slow down and really consider what Christ (the Wonderful Counselor) is saying to her. Taking time to apply the questions to her personal life, and writing out the work that is being done in her onto the pages of the book will substantially enhance the healing process.

Are the first person testimonies that are interspersed throughout the chapters 'like real' or 'real'? Do they come from the your focus group discussions with those 25 women mentioned in your introduction?

Every single vignette at the beginning of each chapter is the true story of a woman who has walked this path. They are the direct words of the 25 women who completed extensive surveys as well as interviews. Some of the details of my own story are sprinkled amongst the testimonies as well. It was never my intention to draw unnecessary attention to my story or the story of any one woman, therefore all names have been changed. I want my readers to know that they are not alone and that their feelings have been shared by many other women who have come out on the other side of this pain. The reader and the restorative work that God can and will do in her heart is the focus of When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography.

What advice can you give to pastors who might want to use this book as a resource? How would you recommend using this with women in their church?

Thank you for asking this question, John. So many pastors are well intentioned, but truly do not know how to help women in this situation. First, reading my book himself will certainly expand his understanding of the issue and its implications for the wife of a husband addicted to pornography. I would encourage pastors to have a few copies of the book on hand, so that when she comes in, after counseling and praying with her, he can give her the book to begin working through. There are many options after that.

• If you have a number of women in your church who you are aware would benefit from this book, then perhaps someone could lead a small group.
• The pastor or someone else in the church who does pastoral counseling could meet with her periodically to hear how she is processing through the book.
• I also encourage pastors to be aware of support groups that may already be in existence in their area. It's not news that women are highly relational and having a support group can be a tremendous blessing to them.
• When a woman's heart is healed, regardless of her husband's daily choices, she will be in a better position to help promote a healing environment for her husband as well.

I want to mention that I've written an article about this for pastors, which is available here on my website. It helps pastors know what to say (and what not to say) when a woman comes to see him and her husband is addicted to pornography.

Vicki, if I'm not mistaken, it seems as though "Week 4: Identity" is the crux of the issue for women who are hurt by porn. Am I reading this right, and if so, why do you think identity is so crucial for women to come to terms with?

In weeks 1-3, my hope is that a woman will rediscover hope after learning of her husband's addiction. She'll name her losses and address and eventually surrender unproductive feelings, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs, including ownership of her husband's daily choice about whether or not to fight this addiction. She'll also spend a week processing through trust, which is one of the single greatest losses for the wife of a pornography addict. Then we get to identity. I do think identity is a particular point of difficulty. Speaking from personal experience, when we were at the pinnacle of our crisis, I was a shell of my former self. I didn't know what I believed about God, my husband, or myself anymore. I allowed my identity to be defined by my relationship with my husband rather than by who God says I am.

When you are married to someone whom you love with all your being and you want to support and believe him, but he lies to you on a consistent basis, it's easy to begin questioning everything you think, say, or do. That quickly morphs into questioning who you are. Women want to know they are competent, chosen, valuable, and lovable in their husband's eyes. Her husband's choice of porn over her communicates just the opposite. It tells her she is inadequate, rejected, undesirable, and unloved. Ironically, if a woman asks her husband if these things are true, he will usually tell her they are not and that his pornography issue has "nothing to do with her." Though I think he means it, actions speak louder than words. It is vital that every daughter of the Lord know that He (God) deems her irreplaceable and that she learn to only let His opinion shape her identity.